Ethniklashistan

This hilarious satire is from a 2001 "the Onion" article. It was worth a post!

source: http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28369?utm_source=EMTF_Onion

UNITED NATIONS–In a bold gambit hoped to resolve dozens of conflicts around the world, the U.N. announced Monday the establishment of Ethniklashistan, a multinational haven in the West Bank that will serve as a new homeland for Irish Protestants, Hutus, Serbs, and other troubled groups.


An ethnographic map of the new Homeland.

"For far too long, these groups have been locked in prolonged strife with their former neighbors, unable to achieve a lasting peace," U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan said. "Now that these various peoples have a new homeland where they can find refuge, all the years of fighting and bloodshed can finally be put behind them."

Former Serbian leader Slobodan Milosevic, now presiding over a Serb settlement near the Jordanian border, was optimistic about the future. "All Muslim scum must die," he said. "Death to all enemies of Serbian purity!"

The various groups, transported to Ethniklashistan by a massive U.N. airlift, will share their new homeland with the roughly two million Palestinians and Israeli settlers who currently occupy the region. U.N. officials say the West Bank site was chosen for its centralized location, opportunities for tourism, and comfortable desert climate. These factors, combined with the already diverse cultural, ethnic, and religious composition of the area, offer "a unique opportunity for many international groups to live together in peace."

"This is truly a win-win situation," U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell said. "War-ravaged peoples from all over the world finally have a place they can feel safe. And, for the Palestinians and Israelis already there, the presence of additional ethnicities should reduce any pre-existing stresses. Arabs and Jews will enjoy exposure to a glorious, multiethnic stew, and they will, in turn, have the opportunity to lead by example, serving as role models of peaceful coexistence."


Hutu leader Kagabo Ndadaye, who between 1994 and 1996 personally oversaw the machete deaths of more than 10,000 Tutsi Rwandans, echoed the positive outlook. "The glorious Hutu are the one pure race," said Ndadaye, speaking from a Hutu settlement near Hebron while eyeing a nearby Kurdish settlement. "All inferior mongrel peoples shall be put to the blade."

Though hopes are high for Ethniklashistan–a name created by a team of linguists who combined 17 different languages' words for "sanctuary"–the establishment of the new homeland has proven rocky. Of the more than 500,000 people relocated there so far, approximately 97 percent have responded with violent resistance, swearing oaths of eternal vengeance against U.N. volunteers conducting the forced relocations.

Bloodshed also marred the "Festival Of Human Brotherhood," a weeklong, nationwide event celebrating the founding of Ethniklashistan. On Monday, 11 people were killed in a skirmish between Basques and Sikhs near Nablus.

The same day, six were killed and dozens injured on the streets of Bethlehem when Somalis and Greek Cypriots exchanged gunfire and grenades.

Dozens of shifting alliances have added to the confusion and chaos. In a pre-dawn border raid Monday, Burmese Karen rebels attacked a Tamil settlement. By late afternoon, the Karens were driven back by the Tamils, who were newly armed with Israeli anti-personnel missiles smuggled into the West Bank by Zionist fundamentalists who had allied themselves–some say only as a temporary ruse–with the Tamils.

On Tuesday, guerrilla fighters made up of an uneasy Palestinian-Papuan alliance attacked an Irish Protestant church near the Golan Heights, killing 121 Irish worshippers with nerve gas before being repelled by a nearby faction of Protestant-sympathizing Zapatista rebels from the Chiapas region of Mexico.

The violence continued that evening, when the severed heads of 20 Chechens were paraded through the streets of Jericho by Azerbaijani extremists. The killings are thought to be in retaliation for rocket attacks by a band of pro-Armenian Chechen rebels, who have thus far evaded Azerbaijani attempts to flush them out of their encampments in the hills with prolonged shelling.

Alarmed by the new nation's growing pains, world leaders have launched a large-scale international-aid effort to help Ethniklashistan get on its feet. Great Britain has pledged 12,000 peacekeeping troops, vowing to "pummel with rubber bullets, tear gas, and billy clubs anyone who dares threaten the Sons of Ulster." China has pledged 40,000 soldiers to supervise the 2,000-plus Tibetan Buddhists relocated to the region. Indonesia, Cambodia, Nigeria, and Afghanistan have also sent troops.

"There is always a period of transition and upheaval in the founding of a new government," President Bush said. "That is why an international humanitarian consortium of nations, including the U.S., France, Russia, Iraq, and North Korea, has pledged $2 trillion in military aid to the new nation. This way, all Ethniklashistanis, regardless of race, color, creed, or economic background, will have equal access to the state-of-the-art ordnance they need to defend themselves and their families during this initial period of instability."

Encouraged by such aid efforts, experts are confident that a lasting peace can soon be established among the rival Ethniklashistani groups.

"When you take that many long-suffering, war-torn groups and put them in the same place, how can you not have peace?" asked former president Jimmy Carter, who will lead talks among the various Ethniklashistani groups. "This hatred cannot possibly last long."

Killer.

Photo: The New York Times

Coffin makers report an increase in sales. With the cholera spilling into neighboring countries, and millions of people enduring severe hunger, there are rising international calls for Mr. Mugabe to step down after 28 years in power. But he seems only to be digging in and even declared Thursday that the nation's cholera epidemic had ended, a day after the World Health Organization warned that the outbreak was grave enough to carry "serious regional implications."

http://www.nytimes.com/slideshow/2008/12/11/world/20081212CHOLERA_index.htmll

Biggest Day in Nepal's History

After 240 years of monarchy rule in the country, as of today, Nepal has become a republic. This is a historic day for Nepali people and a day that is seen across the country as the end of a bloody fight for democracy and the beginning of personal and national prosperity. The reality is that the country will have many challenges ahead. The road is long, but they are on the right track. It is an honor to be here on this day to see the people of Nepal so proud and opptomistic. As a foreign national and a member of the development community, it is quite a sight to see. Whether or not I believe this will change things for the better and the leaders will hold up their end of the republic bargain, this is still a historic day.

The following article was written by the Editor of The Kathmandu Post in celebration of the new Federal Republic of Nepal.

We take joy and pleasure in congratulating all the citizens of Nepal. Turning Nepal into a republic is the biggest achievement of the people in the history of this country. Formally, from may 28, 2008 onward, we Nepalis are no longer subjects of the Shah Dynasty that fooled the innocent people for over 240 years, pretending that the king was a reincarnation of Lord Vishnu. All the kings in the past, without any exception, considered themselves the masters, despite the fact that they survived and led luxurious lives on the money the people paid in taxes. Instead of improving the economic and social conditions of the people, the monarchy only prompted feudalism, corruption, nepotism and favoritism. Members of the royal family and their cronies looted the country of its resources, making this one of the poorest in the whole world. So, irrespective of whether anyone is a republican, this is a day of joy for all Nepalis. On this joyous occasion, we can not fail to pay tribute to the known and unknown martyrs of the republican cause of democracy.

The first and foremost credit for the republic goes to none other than the Maoist. Though the Post never agreed with the violent methods the Maoists adopted, it would be unjust not to recognize their role in bringing this day about. The role of Prime Minister, Girija Prasad Koirala, Madhav Kumar Nepal and the other political leaders cannot be underestimated at the moment. Had not the political parties agreed to the agenda of the Maoists, the latter's violent methods alone would not have been sufficient to achieve the goal. Similarly, civil society leaders, lawyers, human rights activists, journalists, academics, artistes and other members society who wholeheartedly supported the republican agenda also deserve due recognition.

However, there are many hurdles confronting the Federal Democratic Republic of Nepal. The first and foremost issue would be the formation of a government. The amendment of the interim constitution is another issue that needs careful handling by all the parties concerned. Though the Maoist leadership has committed itself innumerable times to respecting pluralism and democracy, it will require a Herculean effort by the other parties to make them practice what they pledge. We have more or less settled the issue of republic but the question of a federal structure is going to bog us down bad. As a commitment has already been made to federalism, we cannot escape delineating the country into a number of federated units. However, delineation of the states in the federation in terms of ethnicity alone will ultimately ignite ethnic strife in the country. Let us hope all the parties pushing for an ethnic federal structure will reconsider their stance before it is too late. Finally, the drafting of the new constitution and its endorsement by the 601-member Constituent Assembly is another challenge. But for now, we can relish the achievement of the republic. It the unity and understanding among Nepalis continue, no challenge ahead will be impossible to tackle. Let us all stay together to build a New Nepal.